After the princess is rescued by the prince, they start living happily ever after! Well… we rarely hear about a sequel of our favorite fairy tale and curiously, when we grow up, the most well known love stories in literature don’t have a happy ending… Why?
With our childhood fairy tales, we learned to romanticize the idea of love, seeing it more as a noun than a verb, defining girls as a beautiful and fragile femininity in need, waiting to be rescued by a perfect strong hero. Many problems arise as there is no such thing as perfection or a permanent state of happiness and we are responsible for our own emotions and growth.
Every person is a mirror for the others and so, in a couple, the mirror closely reflects the most personal imperfections in a highly vulnerable environment. Many times what we see in our significant other and how we react to it, it’s a postponed reaction to what we deny to see in ourself.
Let’s say A is shy, doesn’t talk a lot and meets B who is very charismatic and speaks openly about emotions. At first, A is mesmerized by B and feels that B could offer a safe space to learn how to open up. This is how the opposites attract so strongly in a romantic relationship, as they are different expressions (different poles) of the same traits (same intensity, be it negative/positive). This AB relationship is a great possibility of growth through what they could learn and experience together. If A/B learns how to do what captured their hearts when they first met- they both win! If A doesn’t learn it, very soon the lack A has will be accentuated by the contrast that B offers. This is how A will be annoyed by the exact same thing she/he fell in love with in the beginning. Now A wants to break up with B but B doesn’t want to. B has an attachment problem, is anxious about break-ups and hopes to fix A, get over this phase and go back to how it was when the relationship started. Maybe A actually never wants to learn how to connect emotionally because vulnerability comes with a high possibility of getting hurt. The way A avoids it is by keeping the script of A breaking up with B/ C/ D/… because they are too emotional! In fact, A is seeking to meet a deep need of emotional connection and refuses to have it, as little A learned that first letters aren’t worth having it…
Let’s go back to when they both win- will they stick together if there is nothing else to learn or seek others that could help them grow? Relationships are complicated as we are complex beings with a lot of factors influencing our behavior and needs. Nowadays more than ever, when people commit for love, not for status or financial security and get out of a relationship or cheat to meet a new self.
If we are a 7 out of 10 in personal development, we will couple with a 6-8 person and the relationship will be somewhere at this level. We all have a baggage and glasses of past experiences that we use to see others and this is why the parts of us that are seen depend on the glasses our significant other has on. It’s very important to understand that we are responsible for our own growth and the way we treat ourself is how we treat others and what we accept from them. We can’t expect others to fix us and we can’t and shouldn’t try to fix others. We can help, but we can’t do it for them! A and B should have their own different personal worlds, be in charge of their own personal development, not waiting for someone else to save them. Simply by chasing their best self expression and choosing to be together in a safe, vulnerable, authentic connection, their AB relationship is sustainable in a healthy way!
You can never make someone love you, all you can do is become easy to be loved and nurture your relationships! The better you are at the relationship you have with yourself, the better quality interactions you will have with others! Learn to be the leader of your own life and have great qualities to offer!